#i loved this show gentleness when it come to it portrayed of queer sadness and guilt

[nobigsecrets]

002 for Bucktommy!

002 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when or if I started shipping it: Saw a video of Tommy kissing Buck a few days after 7x04 aired and fell for Tommy instantly. I was blown away by their flirting, by how honest and open they were with each other, by the gentleness of the kiss and the courage it must have taken Tommy to kiss Buck in the first place.

my thoughts: I love how despite their similar stories (childhood trauma, leaving their childhood homes, repressed queerness, becoming firefighters, later in life coming out) their experiences are still so very different (abuse vs neglect, seeking connection in the army vs traveling the country alone, serving under vincent gerrard vs bobby nash). Yet despite these differences they are a perfect match for each other--or maybe it's because of it. It's 'opposites attract' with them just as much as they're freak4freak.

What makes me happy about them: Their happiness. How in love they are with each other. That they're both the missing piece from each other's lives that has finally been found.

What makes me sad about them: Nothing really, at this moment.

things done in fanfic that annoy me: Too many lol. Most annoying for BuckTommy specifically is all the fic that either changes their whole character and dynamic (turning these big beefy masculine men into little girls) or reduces their relationship to a dom/sub thing (misunderstood daddy kink, exaggerated age gap etc etc)

things I look for in fanfic: Fic that portrays them as the adult men they are and that still manages to show how much they care for and how much they worry about each other in a sweet and romantic way.

My kinks: Not even kinks tbh, but anything that's not labelled dom/sub (there are simply too many bad takes), and preferably bottom!tommy

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: They're endgame to me!

My happily ever after for them: Moving in together, maybe they're gonna buy a house together, maybe they're getting a dog, they're gonna move up the career ladder a step or two, maybe Tommy becomes a flight instructor when he retires from active duty, Buck will eventually become Captain of his own fire house and they're gonna grow old together, taking care of each other and their friends and family.

Ask me, Please?

[saintsenara]

back with more for @hprecfest - although i'll be skipping day three because i have the concentration span of a kitten and therefore no chance of making it through a podfic...

day two: favourite comfort fics

two boys kissing by writcraft sirius black/severus snape mature | 6.8k words

why i recommend it:

because I'm a sucker for both sirius and snape getting a happy ending, and this fic delivers this within a beautiful, gentle examination of the horrors of sirius' young adult life and the way that hope and desire are things he clings to during the lonely misery of his confinement in azkaban. the repeated motif of the sky always gets to me:

when he showers, he whistles a song. he’s not sure he knows it’s name, but he can remember strobe lights and the way snape looked when he was as young as sirius can remember him being. that was back in the days when severus tried so hard not to be queer and sirius thought he had everything to live for.

sirius spits out toothpaste into the sink and contemplates himself in the mirror. it looks like there’ll be a thunderstorm tonight. he puts his toothbrush into the glass and moves into the room, poking his head out of the window. the wind has gathered momentum but the sky is clear.

he breathes in the air and watches the stars.

so bracing by @kellychambliss minerva mcgonagall/severus snape teen | 9.2k words

why i recommend it:

because i love to see older woman/younger man relationships in fandom - there's still far too few of them - and because i love to see fics from the perspective of minor characters, and this, which is as much a careful and generous character study of tom the barman (and the town of skegness) as it is of its central couple never fails to make me smile:

tom took the chance of sitting down again, and when he didn't get tossed out on his arse, he felt a little emboldened. "and you thought you wanted this? life in a muggle pub in skegness?"

snape loaded a glass into a dishpan, and then another. and another.

"my family," he said, just when tom had decided that he probably wasn't going to say anything at all. "my family wasn't one for holidays. it was all my father could do to keep food on the table, once the mills failed. and once the drinking started. but before all that, there was one summer -- spring, actually. may. we couldn't afford high summer season. da somehow saw his way clear to taking my mother and me to the seaside. i was about six. we came here. skegness. we froze our arses off."

"skegness is. . . so bracing," tom murmured, and snape snorted.

"in a word. three days in a grotty little caravan. cheap, greasy food. saw a sad muggle magic show." he loaded more glasses with a crash. "i loved it. fucking loved the lot of it. "

never gonna give you up by @laeveteinn harry potter/lord voldemort teen | 15k words

why i recommend it:

because it makes me shriek. i'm not usually a fan of either professor harry or professor voldemort fics, but it turns out that my exception is when they're forced to work together as a team because harry's newly-divorced and adrift in a world which no longer makes sense and voldemort's a ghost who's obsessed with memes:

“what are you thinking so intently about?” voldemort murmurs. “you mustn’t overtax your brain, it wasn’t meant for hard activity.”

harry snorts. “honestly, i’m just trying to figure out where albus got his bad taste in men. it’s not ginny; lars isn’t actually that terrible.”

and for some reason, voldemort lets out a lengthy sigh.

clay by @titconao3 harry potter & severus snape general | 46k words

why i recommend it:

because i have an unstoppable fondness for the concept of redemption, which is hugely and unfairly maligned in this fandom, and this story is an astonishingly beautiful meditation on the theme, not only in how it approaches both snape and harry as they come to terms with the war and what it has taken from them, but in how it portrays tobias snape and his own reckoning with his past and quest to make amends with his son:

tobias was on a roll. “you lot, always talking about your magic, waving your bloody sticks around like it makes you better than us normal people…” he slammed his hands on the table and severus shuddered, his fists opening and closing around nothing. he’d left his wand in the room; it wasn’t like he could use it, and he had to trust potter could deal with tobias snape. the man was nothing, to a boy who’d faced the dark lord and come out the victor. “you’re not. you’re not! your goddamn magic… we’d have been better off without it, i’m telling you.” severus looked again through the crack and saw tobias with his back turned on potter, his shoulders shaking. he was angry, but not yet taking it out on potter. maybe he was scared of potter’s wand; maybe now that he was sober he was better at keeping his violence in check. either way, severus didn’t trust it would last forever. it never had, before.

to forgive divine by jellybeany neville longbottom/draco malfoy teen | 7.4k words

why i recommend it:

because there are days when you need eighth-year fluff, and this sort of fluff is so rarely given to neville as a central character, but it should be:

he’d wondered if it was something like that, to be honest. 

because, because. malfoy was always so interested. he’d read in a fortune cookie once that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it's indifference.

which was a rubbish fortune at the time, but it’s relevant now.

[nct-oli]

I haven’t talked about Lovely Writer on here at all I think, but I really am loving it so much. It took a while to grow on me, especially given how attached I have been this year to A Tale of Thousand Stars (it was hard to open my heart to another show lol), but I really do look forward to each episode, and I’ll be genuinely so sad when it ends next week.

I’m incredibly critical of the media I consume, and I think my standards are quite high when it comes to specific aspects of that media. I think the BL industry romanticizes a ton of toxic bullshit in their series, and fans eat it all up without ever recognizing the problems at play. I can’t 100% blame fans for enjoying the media that is blatantly presented to them as positive and not automatically finding the faults, but it’s a really toxic relationship between BL creators and BL fans. The supply and demand for really problematic content is so high.

A Tale of Thousand Stars and Lovely Writer, in my opinion, have been so refreshing as someone who was getting honestly really tired of BL series recycling the same toxic tropes over and over again. Neither of these series are perfect (that should never be the expectation), and they both have elements I’d still deem controversial or troublesome. But in comparison? Absolute standouts.

A Tale of Thousand Stars was able to tell a beautiful queer romance without the coming out drama, without the homophobia, without the oversexualization, and without the bland, two-dimensional characterization you too often see with queer characters. The only coming out scene was tastefully done and perfectly fitting with the story, and the rest of the series could play out as a mlw romance, if you were to replace one of the characters with a woman. Queer people deserve those romances, the ones that center around two people simply falling in love regardless of gender. Queer people have been asking for those stories for ages. There’s nothing wrong with the cliches, but the creativity shouldn’t stop there every time. A Tale of Thousand Stars was, at base level, just two people finding love in the mountains, and I’m so grateful for that. On top of that, the show also avoided so many toxic tropes (i.e., power differences, violent jealousy, romanticized SA). Add phenomenal acting, ridiculous chemistry, beautiful scenery, an interesting plot, and P’Aof to all of that and you have my favorite BL drama and one of my favorite general series to ever exist. Yes, I said it. (I add P’Aof because he’s an actual queer man who cares so much about portraying realistic and beautiful queer relationships, and I am so grateful to him for taking his talents and efforts into the BL industry. I think he is and will continue to be such a force for needed change. I appreciate that man so much and will be watching every series he creates.)

But then we have Lovely Writer, which I appreciate for somewhat similar but relatively different reasons. Sometimes I’m not even sure to what degree it’s all intentional, but the COMMENTARY on the BL industry is *chefs kiss.* I mean, the stark contrast between the gentleness of Nubsib and Gene’s real relationship versus the romanticized aggression of the fictional relationship within Gene’s novel is so important to me. I get so uncomfortable watching the scenes where they are filming the series because the comparison is so obvious and it’s mind boggling that so many people find the abusiveness so attractive and romantic. That’s such a huge issue in the BL industry, and I love how blatantly obvious they make it in the show. In addition, the series has highlighted the facade that is fan service, the fetishization and oversexualization of mlm relationships, and the issue of BL stories never being written by queer men. And most recently in episode 11, I think they really showed how the BL industry loves making money off of the queer community but doesn’t give a shit about queer people in real life. What I mean by that is, Gene is forced to write BL novels despite his own wishes, no matter how inauthentic they are to him as a writer, because the company believes they are marketable and profitable. But when Gene and Nubsib’s real life relationship comes to the surface, they are treated like dirt for the sake of the company and the show… for the money. There were other solutions to that issue, but the easiest in the company’s eyes was throwing them, actual queer people, to the side and telling them to essentially get over it. Sure, that’s just capitalism, but it really is a massive issue in the BL industry that needs changing. So to see that portrayed within the show is incredibly satisfying. They’re really bringing to light so many problematic aspects of the industry that have been hidden or downplayed for too long.

And then both of them are telling stories about actual queer people, which I love more than I can explain. And by that I mean characters who actually use words to say they are not straight. I’m so freaking tired of the blatant avoidance of the word “gay” or even the words “I like men” (plural men) in BL. And I’m especially tired of the “I don’t like men. I just like x” trope. I really, really appreciate both A Tale of Thousand Stars and Lovely Writer telling queer stories by making their characters actually queer. (And this isn’t at all about those who choose to not label their sexualities. That is absolutely valid, but unfortunately in the BL industry, the avoidance of any words indicating sexuality is generally done to separate the show from the actual community being profited off of, not to avoid labels for empowerment.)

I’ll stop rambling, but I just finished ep 11 of Lovely Writer and I had so many thoughts. 2021 has started off really well with both of these shows airing, but it also means my expectations are so high now… welp! Looking forward to the Lovely Writer finale next week. I’m really glad a show like this exists, and I hope it makes even just a few fans realize how they may be participating in toxicity or just a few creators realize they can have a successful series without romanticizing problematic behaviors.

Thank you to A Tale of Thousand Stars and Lovely Writer for restoring some of my faith. I’m grateful to you both.

[tascha-schwarz]

Just started watching The Bridge. Yes, I’m late for the party. Again. The show’s really thrilling and exciting but that’s not the point. What I want to talk about – who, to be precise, – is one of its characters – Stefan Lindberg. The guy impressed me so much I felt an urge to write a few lines about him before I even finished the season. Although it’s 2 more episodes left, I realize his storyline is over and it makes me so terribly sad.

Show makers have been raising suspicion around him from his very first appearance, creating a negative image of a villain, representing his actions the way his intentions seemed felonious. I admit, I thought he might be the guy who did it all. However, this impression which has formed throughout the series turned out far from what he actually was.

Starting a film or a show I always manage to find a character for whom my heart would bleed, and when I first saw Stefan, I knew at once – he would be the one here, no matter if he was a psycho-maniac or not. He’s got rugged features and doesn’t appear attractive in all respects, a little bit too plain, a little bit too low-paid, a messy flat and queer habits in addition.

Girls are drawn to handsome successful men, that’s not about me lol.

According to his social status, he is exactly the type of a man I might date in real life, because a classy guy wouldn’t even notice me, lol. But Stefan, he’s got it, you know, this ENERGY that makes your last brain cell forget its function and put on heart-shaped glasses.

Apart from Stefan’s uncertain motives, he’d be portrayed the way not to evoke sympathy, even to seem repulsive. This habit of his, for example, to apply cream all over his body – just a big ew. But might they have left it behind his bathroom door, spectators wouldn’t be disgusted, would they?

And now that he’s been taken to jail, I realized he deserved so much better.

I got back to the very beginning and reconsidered his character all over knowing already he wasn’t the villain. He helped people on daily basis, people of lower class, people we usually avoid coming in contact, he helped them by all means, sidestepping the law sometimes, finding the ways. And if he’s not a hero, I don’t know who is.

A girl he barely knows calls him in the middle of the night, she wants to see him. And what he does? He agrees, he even offers to come! He takes her child in his arms to take him upstairs! Not his damn child! I thought he was an asshole who refused to help his ex first, but he just couldn’t help her any longer, because not once has he done it before. He still finds her a place to live and tries to protect her from her junkie husband. Just because he can. Now imagine what he’d do for a woman he loved? I get goosebumps just at the thought of it! He’d bring the whole world at her feet, I swear!

And how caring he is with his sister, how gentle! You know, I’ve always wanted a man to take such a care of me, to stroke my hair, to kiss my forehead the way Stefan does.

Yes, he killed a man, the dregs of society, the man who threatened him. Of course, it doesn’t diminish his guilt and doesn’t justify him. But damn! This shouldn’t have happened, and real Stefan would hardly do it, unlike Stefan on screen. I wish they’d let him escape – with his sister – and start all over. It’s so unfair! So terribly unfair!

Stefan is an ordinary man, like many of us a little odd in his habits, but like a few – willing to stand up for the weak. He’s definitely worth love, and if no one loves him, I will. Because I can. Because he deserves it!

[army-of-mai-lovers]

ATLA fic recs pt 3!

part 1 part 2 (again, consider this a re-rec of everything I recced in those parts, those were all brilliant fics! I have really good taste y’all) 

This is for Spotlight Saturday (which I didn’t even know was a thing oh my goodness that’s so cool) and also bc I passed two milestones since making the last one of these! thank you! I don’t know why you’re here but I’m so glad you are! <3 <3 <3 <3 also, a gentle reminder that I love so, so many more fics than appear on these lists, and there are even more fics that I’m simply not exposed to. if you want to send me your work or the work of people you really like, please do so! (G or T only, please)

1. Hooked by @listless-brainrot I know List writes fic specifically to cause me pain but I cannot tell you how much serotonin I got when I found out during the Great Jetru Summer Storm of 2020 that somebody had a) already made content and b) that content was literally incredible. Like not only does List have impeccable taste and an impressive amount of patience he’s also a really good writer??? To be perfectly honest I sometimes turn my brain off a little when I read fic, but List makes me sit up and pay attention to his writing and the way he’s writing. I think the framing device here with Haru telling this story to the gaang at the Western Air Temple is so interesting (and it makes me so scared list dude please tell me that doesn’t mean what I think it means you can’t-) and Jet and Haru’s burgeoning friendship/relationship? has been handled with such care and with such depth. I am absolutely obsessed with how he characterizes Haru in particular. Haru, being such a minor character, normally doesn’t get any kind of characterization, but List really said not only is Haru going to be the pov character of this fic, I am going to create an environment that gives him so much nuance. We really have no choice to stan. 

2. and the stars, they too, tell of spring by @katarahairloopies when I first read this fic I went absolutely feral, as I am wont to do with Kit’s fics and with yueki content in general. It’s just so personal. And like not in the queer eye meme way (although,,,,yes) but to me it’s very clear that the author has spent time in the situation they’re describing, in one way or another, and took a lot of care in rendering that situation to the absolute fullest of their ability. It’s one of those fics that has just stayed with me even though I read it a while ago, like I can still picture the situation, the way they described it, the way I felt reading it. Simply iconic. Simply iconic. I wish every atla fic writer would have the kind of care and patience with Yue and Suki’s characters in their long af fics that Kit does in a really short and pointed piece of work. 

3. i like my girls just like i like my honey by @lazypigeon I am....obsessed with this???? I love it??? It is totally gorgeous. I’m a sucker for ship fics that also explore friendships and the whole friendship between Sokka and Yue was just so queer and so utterly perfect. The jokes about their neighbors thinking they were married...the background zukka...the dresses....I loved it all so much. It really brought a smile to my face to read some fluff about two friends going outside to hang out with one another, like can you imagine??? wild. And then we meet Suki who is a farmer at the farmer’s market that Sokka and Yue go to and y’all pls tell me why farmer’s market aus aren’t a bigger thing because the idea of Suki being a farmer and asking Yue to go sample strawberries with her was just???? so cute????? like go off that’s absolutely iconic again we have no choice but to stan! And Sokka was absolutely hilarious when he was trying to wingman for Yue it was so funny and cute. also bonus for the title it was simply *chef’s kiss*

4. the anchor by @firelordemai one of my fave Maiko fics to date. Both POVs were on point but there was just something extra about that Mai POV it was gripping. I could not tear my eyes away from the screen reading this. I love love loved so much how the rock stood for their love for one another and how Zuko kept it, the whole way through, just utter and complete perfection I’m getting emotional just thinking about it oh my goodness. Legit it’s been a minute since I read the fic I’m just sitting here thinking about the use of language and how their relationship progressed and I am crying!!! I am crying!!! just. the talent. the talent! your fave could never! I am just obsessed with how the author chronicled them growing up and the challenges they faced as teenagers and the way they were driven apart and came back together again and my heart was on the floor in pieces when Zuko left it was just. oh my goodness. read this. 

5. time for the moon night by @kahtara ok storytime: when that ask game where you tell the author your favorite fic of theirs went around I hit up Joey and said that it was between laughter lines (which I have recced before peep part 2) and icarus, point to the sun and that I was planning on reading time for moon night but I just didn’t know if I had the emotional strength to do it and they said it’s less sad than laughter lines so I was like all right chill I’ll read it and NO, NO IT WAS NOT LESS SAD THAN LAUGHTER LINES, IT WAS, PERHAPS, MORE SAD THAN LAUGHTER LINES. in all seriousness, time for the moon night is my new favorite fic of theirs. the way they write yukka in general is just so full of nuance and emotion, they really flesh out both Sokka and Yue’s characters so well and in such a careful and precise manner and I really love it. The way time is bent throughout this whole fic is just so amazing. this kind of gorgeous, thoughtful writing that isn’t shy to really get at the depths is the reason I love fanfiction. this is why I care! ao3 is FREE. and yet you can get writing of that quality and substance?????? i’m floored honestly. 

6. if you ran away (come back home) by @shrinkthisviolet I want to spotlight one line in particular. “She wondered how long it would take him to notice the weak spot on the dummy’s left side.” That is so Mai. That is so Mai. The author did such a wonderful job capturing Mai’s situation and her perspective on it, but that line prepared me for an absolutely wonderful character study of Mai and look into her situation before and after the Agni Kai. I’m honestly so floored at how the author was able to portray such an intimate character study that so in character and so well thought out. Mai stans, come get y’alls juice. This one is also really sad and I cried a little (me crying at ATLA fanfiction is exactly as common of an occurrence as you think it is.) What was particularly heartbreaking to me was the way that the author showed how, even as a kid, Mai was driven to suppress her feelings and play to her best political interests. She’s just a kid! She’s just a little baby!!!!!!! I’m heartbroken, and I’m at a loss for words, quite frankly. I want Mai to have the whole world. gosh anyway this author is so incredible and I’m so so excited to read more of her work, because this was just stunning and deserves an incredible amount of praise. 

[millenniumfae]

Reyes Vidal Theories And Headcanons

To start off, we’ll begin with all the canon facts we know about our favorite Kadara King, almost all thanks to his writer’s twitter;

He’s in his late twenties

He’s from Chile (born and raised?)

His first language is Spanish, but speaks English (fluently?)

After arriving to Andromeda but before the Nexus Uprising, he was a shuttle pilot assigned to Initiative callsign ‘Anubis’

He’s a dog person

Fan of alcohol??

And that’s it. Everything else about him is all speculation and random headcanons. ME:A has no further single-player DLC upcoming. No new comics, either. It’s really sad to say, but it seems likely that the canon story of Reyes Vidal ended with Mass Effect: Andromeda.

But not if I have anything to say about it! Below are my various Reyes Vidal headcanons and theories. And more to come, along with other Mass Effect characters!

1) Reyes as a ‘Shuttle Pilot’

People in the game sometimes describe flying vehicles as a ‘shuttle’, but technically, a ‘shuttle’ isn’t a type of vehicle, it’s the name for a delivery service - short routes, higher frequency, simple fare. You can shuttle passengers or objects place to place. If Reyes was a ‘shuttle pilot’, that meant he was flying things to-and-fro the Nexus on the Initiative’s orders, delivering people and goods by standardized rates.

We’ve already known a shuttle pilot in the franchise before; Steve Cortez of Mass Effect 3 was the Normandy’s shuttle pilot, because he had to deliver the ground team to-and-fro the ship regularly. Those fugly box-like skycars you see in the ME franchise seem to be Alliance/Initiative standard vehicles, described as ‘UT-47′s by Steven in 3, or a ‘Kodiak’ for similar models. Steve also takes Shepard on a skycar ride in the Citadel DLC, and talks about his piloting passion as if they were indeed on a plane and not a car (”There’s a lot about this bird you don’t know/Pilots would wear G-suits”).

Plus, Steve also trained by flying fighter jets, not ‘cars’. So when we say a character is a shuttle pilot, we really do mean pilot and not ‘flying car driver’. Reyes is a pilot in all sense of the word. Even though those boxy cars can indeed use FTL drive to fly between systems and planets, Reyes worked under the call-sign ‘Anubis’ so we can assume he flew a plane specifically. Aviation call-signs are for aircrafts and not cars. The dock manager would ask for the pilot’s verification, and the pilot would respond with the aircraft’s verification name and number - N-503 call-sign ‘Anubis’.

We never see him flying in-game. On the mission we meet Reyes’ ex Zia, we do see his plane outside the house where the supposed cargo was to be. It’s a poopy-brown, double-turbine-winged helicopter thing, and it’s also the plane he escapes onto if you save Sloane. He’s never flying it, though, it’s always him hopping in/off.

I’ve seen some fics where that’s actually where he sleeps, which I don’t think would be realistic - that plane sees a modest amount of action, not just during fights but also during ambient Kadara Port skydrops - you see it flying by sometimes. Inside isn’t big, you see like three seats and nothing else, good for five people maximum. Reyes would have to have this plane flight-ready at a moment’s notice. He’s still smuggling, after all.

It’s a very different plane from all the others you see. It’s not a boring basic Initiative box car, it’s not a bubbly green Angaran car, it’s not a green mess like the Kett’s. The only time you see a plane like that is during the Meridian final battle, where there’s two-three of those same planes, no matter if it’s Sloane or Reyes. I think it’s a plane that was created after the Nexus Uprising, crafted specifically by exiles. You find guns unique to exiles, after all, why not planes? Kadara exiles have wind turbine engineers, doctors, and not to mention the Angara who must be involved. They gotta have some people who can design and produce good planes. It’d be poetic if Reyes’ plane was a hybrid of Angaran and Milky Way engineering.

2) Reyes being Chilean, Brown, and Bi

I’ve said this before, but I was never happy with how Reyes was handled as a Latino man. I’m not Latinx myself, I’m Asian, so I speak from a different perspective of color. Reyes is a token Latinx person in the game, and he (along with his ex Zia) have thick accents and a sexualized history/personality. His accent in particular is super grating, since it’s faked by a white British actor and you can definitely hear it. As an Asian person, I am NOT a fan of seeing faked accents pasted onto a stereotyped love interest.

So when we see a character like Reyes, we make the best of it. We make him ours, and not Bioware’s very spotty writing. Canonically, Reyes is a flirty spicy Latino bi man, but he’s more than that. Romanced or not, you get to see the man behind that mask. He’s silly, insecure, and very intelligent. He’s good with guns, explosives, and planes. He can play politics to the point where he can become the driving force behind an entire planet.

But all that canon stuff still doesn’t erase the spots on Bioware’s record when it comes to making Reyes. They wanted to create a shady morally grey love interest, and Reyes is the direction they took.

Us fans, on the other hand, can actually give Reyes as a bi Chilean man some weight. We can write his Spanish as actually being specific to Chile, we can explore his sexuality the way bi people do. The Mass Effect universe takes place about 160+ years from now. It’s been more than a century. We all know that progress isn’t linear, but for the sake of our liberation, we’ll say that humanity’s ideals of sexual/racial politics have improved.

So unlike us, maybe Reyes didn’t grow up in a world that attacks brown/queer people. Today, being brown means you’re ashamed of your skin color before kindergarten, and being bi means your sexual journey is hindered by marginalization. Reyes, on the other hand, might have not faced these things at all. Humans of the Mass Effect world might see queerphobia/racism as something incredibly archaic, like oppressing redheads.

Not like Bioware’s good at portraying this type of progress. Sure, we never see anti-lgbt rhetoric in-game, nor marginalization of brown humans, but we don’t see any true evidence that the Mass Effect world has gotten rid of these things. I don’t for a second believe that there would be so many straight humans 160+ years from now. Or so many aliens that fall squarely into the human gender binary.

Headcanon; Reyes, being raised on Earth, sees himself as brown and knows the bloody history behind it. His skin color matters to him much the same way my browness matters to me - its a connection to your family, your people, and the way you look at yourself in the mirror. And he doesn’t identify as bisexual as loudly as many of us do, but not because he doesn’t like lgbt culture. He’ll checkmark the ‘bi’ box if you asked him to write out a census survey, I just think he’s one of those people who’s kinda casual about it. Especially if he doesn’t face the marginalization we do.

But being a queer man means he’s got that flamboyant side a lot of us do. He’s romantically cheesy, he likes red wine over candlelit dinners, he finds flower arrangements beautiful, he’ll go to great lengths to make sure he looks and smells nice (even on Kadara’s nasty sulfer atmosphere), he think he looks amazing in a fitted suitdress. And if he could, he’d repaint his plane to be a nicer color other than that fugly brown, like a sweet duochrome blue-purple, but unfortunately its a color that blends in well with Kadara’s landscape.

3) Reyes as the Charlatan

What’s canon about the Collective? They work from the shadows, cultivate poison, steal supplies, have torture rooms where they keep captured Outlaws, and information between them can get muddled or compromised. They’re not a pretty bunch, and the Charlatan isn’t a pretty business.

Compared to the Outcasts, they’re definitely the more gentle organization. And perhaps with the Outcasts out of the picture, they drop a lot of the shadier stuff they do, what with no one left to torture and assassinate. But their business still runs on crime, opposing the Initiative and the Angara directly at times - such as stealing supplies, illegal mining and producing of resources, and drugs. And Reyes oversees all of that.

You can also compare Reyes’ crimes to Vetra, who’s also a smuggler, but a lot less shady. Vetra does a lot of things without bloodshed or violence, and doesn’t even seem to steal things. Instead, she makes business deals that slip underneath the red tape and break regulations. Reyes, however, had to work under Sloane’s violence for many a month, and adopted immoral methods to work around her.

I truly believe Reyes isn’t supposed to be a violent man who likes bloodshed and murder. He sees it as necessary, and his goals are worth getting his hands dirty. Reyes wasn’t just scared about Ryder finding out he lied, he’s worried about the whole, you know, Collectives being a violent mob gang thing. As Kadara improves, he lets up.

When he’s not hanging out in Tatarus, out smuggling, or doing various other shady things, I headcanon Reyes as actually having multiple places to sleep and hie away. Not the Collective Base, though. No one there has ever met the Charlatan, and even the leader, Crux, only gets orders as messages. Before the big reveal, Reyes doesn’t confess any connection to the Collective. He wouldn’t show up at the base. His living spaces are probably within Kadara Port’s various shitty apartments, and also hideouts in the badlands.

Always he’ll be on call for Charlatan business. Even at the Meridian party, he’s clicking away at his omni-tool while talking to Ryder. He keeps odd hours, probably only managing minimal sleep schedules. And when he’s not available, his most trustworthy representatives take up his mantle. And if Sloane’s killed, he only gets more busy.

With an outpost settled, there’s legitimate money to make and Reyes gets right on that. I assume that, at first, establishing the outpost costs a lot more money than it makes, but having an initiative settlement eventually draws in a lot of resources and commerce. Reyes isn’t just the leader of Kadara Port, he’s the King of Kadara the planet and the outpost is part of his jurisdiction. Ditaeon may have been Ryder’s doing, but it’s Reyes’ town now.

4) Reyes and Ryder - Love And Trust

“He already lied to you once. Guys like that don’t stop lying,” - Vetra.

A romanced Ryder is obviously a big deal to Reyes. He even confesses to his right-hand woman Keema that he worried about what Ryder might think about him, and that’s something pretty personal to exclaim. He’s in deep and his self-esteem is heavily affected by what Ryder says to him. If you don’t decide to kiss him on the rooftop, you can instead say that he’s more genuine than you thought, which actually seems to hurt him.

There’s an animation difference between Scott and Sara - Reyes will slide right up against Scott’s personal space during their first meeting at Kralla’s Song, while he’ll stay a modest distance away from Sara. To our eyes, seeing an unknown, shifty man being so close to a woman at a bar is pretty creepy and scary. You, as a man, do not touch a woman you don’t know. To us, being in a place like Kadara Port and alone at a pirate bar means violence against women is a fear at the forefront of our minds.

He’s so uncomfortably close to Scott, though, probably in an effort to intimidate him slightly. But he’s not gonna pull that shit on Sara, because that would mean something completely different.

Reyes makes a big deal about being the perfect gentleman, which is something of a rhetoric joke. Because he’s not a gentleman when it comes to honesty and honor; he steals, cheats, and lies, he brought a sniper to the duel. But he is a gentleman when it comes to compassion and sympathy. He set up a soup kitchen for the slums. He donates money to the clinic. He prioritizes the Angara native to Kadara. He lifts the ‘protection fee’ nonsense and doesn’t exile people to the badlands.

He said he came to Andromeda to ‘be someone’. I think that’s supposed to be a double-meaning. He wants to be important to people, but why rule from the shadows if that’s the case? Because he wants to make a difference. He actually does want to help people and set up an Initiative outpost and dispense justice. That’s the ‘someone’ Reyes wanted to be all his life, and it grew into a passion when he finally upped and abandoned the Nexus.

Being a ‘gentleman’ is kinda old-fashioned, but Reyes seems to have a special interest in old-fashioned stuff, playing Soft Jazz while dancing quietly with Ryder. I think it’s just something he enjoys, like having actual full-blown romantic dates. Too bad he rarely has the opportunity to explore them.

About Zia; his alleged ‘ex’ is a mystery. Umi, a bartender, pinpoints her as an ex-girlfriend, but Reyes will say they merely had a few drinks and things apparently never went far. And when Zia shows up, there’s no love lost between the two of them, even though Zia apparently knows Reyes well enough. Relationships with a tail-end like that were probably never serious, but still had enough time invested to become actual, significant history.

I don’t know why Bioware wanted to write, direct, code, and implant this mission, as if it adds something to Reyes’ characterization. Zia in particular is a unique character model, which is weird because very few characters have a special face and texture. What does Zia mean to Reyes? To us?

I think Zia was an old smuggling/piloting partner of Reyes, and the two of them might have struck a connection during the first hopeless months of the Andromeda Initiative. Zia grew to know Reyes as a selfish man with no friends, split off from him and ran a competitive smuggling shtick, and even says a romanced Ryder will soon know how wrong they were to place faith in him. Its a side of Reyes we don’t hear from anyone else, and I think it’s meant to shake our confidence in Reyes as the future leader of Kadara - or as Ryder’s love interest.

After all, why would Reyes ask the Pathfinder for help in finding some random lost cargo? Because it was probably something super important. Worth not just money, but morality too. Reyes wouldn’t tell someone as unsubtle as Ryder that they were about to look for some misplaced escaped ark survivors (or whatever’s also super important, I dunno), or everyone and their mother would know they were up to something big.

Zia lured Reyes with the promise of something very big, and tried to take him down because she wanted to make more money. Reyes, on the other hand, isn’t completely money-driven. Zia represents the Charlatan we were told to fear, while Reyes is the true face behind the shadows. And after all that business rivalry, Reyes still buries her.

But Zia still says Reyes is a selfish man, and she knows him much better than Ryder does. Why would a fellow amoral smuggler care if someone was selfish or not? Was Reyes selfish to her specifically? Like, in a bad lover way? That’d suck, but he probably didn’t feel that much affection towards Zia in the first place. Or did Zia have ulterior motives that Reyes didn’t agree with, and cut off contact because Zia wanted to cross lines Reyes didn’t feel comfortable with? That’d be a nicer way of looking at it. Reyes was ‘selfish’ because Zia wanted to, I dunno, hit civilians for extra cash and Reyes said no.

My headcanon; with Ryder, Reyes definitely doesn’t take things super casual like he probably did with Zia. He eventually dedicates himself to them, and invests a lot of his emotions into their relationship. It might even be something he never did before, but a hero’s love is worth so much to him. He can’t leave Kadara, and Ryder can’t stay with him (at least at first). And secrets will continue to bloom between them. But Reyes will continue to improve himself, ‘becoming someone’ to not just Kadara, but to Ryder.

5) Random and MISC

Being an exile-in-an-outlaw-town-during-a-cluster-wide-war-against-the-Kett-and-the-Scourge means shitty food. Which Reyes hates and he does his best to avoid the Jim Bakker bucket-esque MREs that the Initiative hands out. And Angaran nutrient paste doesn’t sit right with Milky Way species, so he doesn’t eat that either. Life on the frontier means adopting to local flora and fauna, which means old fashioned Angaran dishes like Adhi roast, Kaerkyn shell soup, Taurg flank steak, and Drall bits. But no, he doesn’t cook if he can help it - he’s not terrible, just not good, and he’ll instead buy food from vendors on Kadara Port, or order it from the bar. And he’ll get dessert when he can, too.

And he loves Kadara Port. It’s his own little cyberpunk neon noir city, even if it does smell vaguely of sulfur. He loves looking out the window and seeing the bright glowing signs overlapping each other, hearing the shady bustle of exiles 24/7, the patter of acidic rain. When he begins to get involved with Ryder, he begins to take extra time to gaze at the city’s horizon and be sentimental. That’s what falling in love does to a person.

He’s canonically a dog person, and by dog we do include Mass Effect’s alien dogs such as adhi. The Collective is trying to domesticate wild Adhi, which is a project Reyes started to make them into guards and weapons, but a side of him just loves the idea of having an adhi as a pet. If he could, he’d have five rescue pups of varying breeds (and species), posting those Sexy Dog Instagram Photos of all of them at the beach, or something.

Time as the Charlatan means less time to work out. So his muscles aren’t big, and he’s got enough fat to cover them, too. If he undressed, you’d see that he’s smaller than his clothing would imply, no Ripped Taint or Tight Glutes. Lotsa hair, though, all down his chest and pelvis and legs. He actually doesn’t really like it, but he only has resources to shave his jaw.

All his outfits are the typical humanwear that all colonists to Andromeda have access too, but with extra touches because he Cares about his appearance. Fancy gloves, a nifty belt with a shiny buckle. He uses the slighest amount of product to slick his hair up, gotta stretch it out until he can find an Andromeda replacement. Uses a nice deodorant, and will get expensive cologne when he has the chance.

He hates the cold, and Kadara has modest winters that won’t freeze the water but will spread a frost everywhere. That’s already too much for him, and throughout the whole season he’s more tired, grumpy, and seasonally depressed. When spring breaks through again, he gets a burst of energy and happiness from the relief.

If Ryder ever lives with him for an extended period, they’ll quickly learn the difference between a 22-year-old’s living space, and an almost-30′s living space. Perhaps with Sloane out of the picture, Reyes gets a legit place to live and invests in real furniture and interior decor, while Ryder’s still stuck in that college student trash stage. Reyes forbids scratches on the table, or bath towels crumbled up, or windows left open during the rain, etc. Ryder think its cute that Reyes is so domestic, Reyes is just trying to save his expensive couch from shoes on the cushions.

[star-anise]

So. I’m currently reading Arrows of the Queen, by Mercedes Lackey, since it was finally released on audiobook this year. Re-reading, in fact; reading these books as a 31-year-old therapist instead of a starry-eyed 13-year-old. 

I ranted the other night about the book's depiction of Elspeth as "spoiled" instead of "abused", and @feathersescapism (as part of the post's excellent and thoughtful contributions) said this about Mercedes Lackey:

It’s so effing messy for me because like on the one hand she saved my life. She was the VERY first place I saw loving, validated, celebrated queer relationships and ironically Vanyel was the first time I saw an example of someone who was angry and hurt and messy and bad at people and bullied but not a passive victim be portrayed as fundamentally loveable. As in fact valuable enough, worthy enough to be PURSUED, even, to have someone make the effort to get past his hostile defense behaviors. That was priceless to me. Unfortunately it’s like….it was water when I was dying of thirst but it turns out it was water laced with heavy metals that then did a lot of long term damage.

Which is partly just a concentration thing; if you are drinking from many wells, having one be poisoned won't damage you as much overall. But if it's your only source of water, even trace amounts get dangerous. And, well, we were Eighties babies, mentally ill queer kids with access to small-town libraries who ducked guidance counsellors who pushed conformity as the path to happiness.

So I just found a scene that I think really shows that Lackey was writing from a specifically 80s understanding of psychology, before we knew almost anything about trauma; as considered today, it's bad practice on multiple levels, and can point to some of the underlying problems with the Valdemar worldview.

TW child abuse, child neglect

So in this part of the book, 13-year-old Talia, who was rescued from her awful abusive life among the Holderkin by a giant magical horse, is settling into her new life as a Herald-trainee. She attends classes during the day, and then sleeps in her own room in a dormitory wing of her fellow trainees. Her teachers know that she displays all the symptoms of an abused child, and that she's from an extremely insular and rigid culture.

Her teacher, Teren, asks her to stay after class, and she does, wary and panicked because she doesn't know what's going on. He explains that the Heralds sent a letter back to her family to explain that her disappearance was because of the magical horse choosing her as a future Herald, and they get half-taxes that year and she's going to be very important. Her family, however, replies to say only, "Sensholding has no daughter Talia." Because she ran away instead of staying and getting married, she is disobedient and bad, and therefore totally shunned by her entire community.

She didn't realize she was weeping until a single hot tear splashed on the paper, blurring the ink. She regained control of herself immediately, swallowing down the tears. [...] It was odd, but when she'd chosen to run away, their certain excommunication hadn't seemed so great a price to pay for freedom; but somehow now, after all her hopes for forgiveness had been raised only to be destroyed by this one note-- Never mind; once again she was on her own--and Herald Teren would hardly approve of her sniveling over the situation. "It's all right," she said, handing back the note to the Herald. "I should have expected it." She was proud that her voice only trembled a little, and that she was able to meet his eyes squarely. Teren was startled and slightly alarmed; not at her reaction to the note, but by her immediate iron-willed suppression of it. This was not a healthy response. She should have allowed herself the weakness of tears; any child her age should have. Instead, she was holding back, turning further into herself. He tried, tentatively, to call those tears back to the surface where they belonged. Such suppression of natural feelings could only mean deep emotional turmoil later--and would only serve as one more brick in the wall the child had placed between herself and the others around her. "I wish there was something I could do to help." Teren was exceedingly distressed and tried to show that he was as much distressed at the child's denial of her own grief as with the situation itself. "I can't understand why they should have replied like this." If he could just get her to at least admit that the situation made her unhappy, he would have an opening wedge in getting her to trust him. [...] "I'm going to be late--" Talia winced away from the outheld hand and ran, wishing Teren had been less sympathetic. He'd brought her tears perilously close to the surface again. She'd wanted, above all other things, to break down and cry on his shoulder. But--no. She didn't dare. When kith and kin could deny her so completely, what might not strangers do, especially if she exposed her weaknesses? And Heralds were supposed to be self-sufficient, self-reliant. She would not show that she was unworthy and weak.

What I took away from this book, at 13 and during most successive readings, was that the fault in this situation is Talia's unwillingness to trust Teren and break down. It is her inability to open up emotionally to her deep, vulnerable feelings that causes problems. I suspect that my reading is not terribly far off the narrative's own perception of the central problem. In the 1980s, psychology was very based around the individual, the dance of the id, ego, and superego. Talia's problem is that she has an overactive superego, which prevents her from expressing her natural feelings in a healthy way. She uses unhealthy coping mechanisms, which must be overcome to achieve health and full congruence with her feelings. This runs very much on the catharsis model, where emotions build up like a boil, and must be lanced; once someone "vents", they feel better.

Now, at 31, and trained to help vulnerable 13-year-olds, I can see a lot of differences in how I'd assess the problem now. The trauma field especially has come to understand that humans are essentially relational beings; our brains are born in relationships. We function best in relationships. We need, more than anything else, to feel connected and understood. And then, above that: we are beings in brains and bodies. Our consciousness is limited by the hardware it runs on. If our body is dedicating all its resources to fight-or-flight, we cannot be rational, logical thinkers. We need to understand how to regulate our own emotions, both by personal actions and through relationships with others, to achieve health. It takes repeated, patterned practice to master the skills of understanding and moderating those emotions. Coping mechanisms may be unhealthy, but as I was taught in grad school, "All psychopathology was adaptive once." If you're going to take away someone's unhealthy coping mechanism, you need to have first replaced it with something healthier.

So looking at this scene now, I can point out that Talia represses her emotions instantly because in her family of origin, she got beaten up for crying. Her teachers have already observed that she has the defensive and startle-reactions of an abused child. It should not be very hard for Teren to put two and two together and think: She has been systematically trained to view emotion as unsafe. 

He could, at this point, make the rules of their current situation clear: "It's all right to cry. You don't have to put on a brave face for me." This would let Talia know that she won't lose support or status if she cries. But that assumes, frankly, that she can cry; that the experience of being vulnerable in front of another human being wouldn't be too overwhelming, perhaps terrifying, for her to bear. He could also validate that, and let Talia know he sees her and understands. "It'd be all right if you let that guard down, but it looks like you've got a lot of experience with dealing with hard knocks. If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here."

It's important for him not to try to force her to show feeling the way he thinks she should. He doesn't actually know that it's safe, or that he's safe. Traumatized people need, more than almost anything else, to achieve a measure of control over their own emotions and bodies. They need to be able to make themselves calm when they need to be calm, and not to be ambushed with sadness or fear out of the blue. It should be, more than anything, Talia's decision of when and where to express her emotions. Is bottling it all up unhealthy for her? Oh, probably. She might get depression later this month, or heart disease in 40 years. But being forced to cry when she's not ready to can leave her feeling violated and retraumatized, right here, right now.

The thing that makes crying comforting for most people is that they have a very deep pattern etched on their brains: They cry, someone comforts them, their pain recedes, they feel calmer. It's the pattern of a thousand hungry wakeups as a baby where someone was gentle and kind and fed them. It's skinned knees kissed and broken toys mended. But Talia probably doesn't have that; her experience of crying has been that she's punished and abused for it, and as an infant whose mother died in childbirth, she probably wasn't adequately nurtured either to build those good associations in the first place. Crying just takes her into a deeper place of loneliness and self-hatred. So for her to soothe herself, she might need to be taught very basic ways of doing that--to take a break, to do something she loves, to get a hug from a friend. Her traditional reaction has been to mask her emotions, and to self-isolate and let those feelings of pain and alienation swamp her.

What he could even do, as I sometimes do as a therapist, is respect that repression as a way of coping and roll with it. If someone can only bear the most glancing reference to their trauma? Then glance. Use black humour or obvious irony to acknowledge the situation without engaging with its emotional depth. “So, you know, no big deal. I bet that’s what you’ve always wanted.” So long as it’s paired with other kinds of real caring--especially useful, immediate help and close emotional attunement--that’s not out of place.

One thing he seems to have assumed is that of course, if your family is awful and devastating, you get to take the morning off to cry. I can only assume that's why he's pushing her to cry at the end of class, when she has another one to go to right after. But she might not know that. Certainly her familyexpected that if they did something awful and devastating, Talia needed to get back to work as soon as possible. Teren doesn't discuss this, and I think it's important; Talia goes to something like four other classes, has lunch, and reads for an hour before she finally gets to do anything relevant to taking care of her emotions. Implicitly, the idea that schedule and routine supercede emotions, and that emotional work takes second place, gets reinforced by the system that thinks it's "saving" her.

The other thing traumatized people struggle with, next to control, is connection. Trauma is hugely isolating; it reroutes resources away from the parts of the brain that foster social connection, so people literally lose track of anyone who might be loving and supportive, and it's hard to make ordinary people understand what you're going through. This is part of why Teren showing Talia all his distress isn't really good for her; he's overloading her still further with natural empathy for his emotions, increasing the weight she has to carry mentally, but not reinforcing her connections. He doesn't remind her that other Heralds are her family now, nor does he give her help in how to reach out to anyone.

Who might Teren remind her of? As much as he's taking on the role of The Person She Can Be Emotional To, he's hardly ever in her life; this is the last day of their week-long class where he met her for one hour a morning. He could encourage her to talk to one of her regular teachers, including his twin Keren, who teaches her equitation, or the cook, in whose kitchen Talia is most confident and in her element. If her dormitory had older Heralds who lived there in a kind of supervisory or mentoring role, spending hours of unstructured free time with the trainees, he could direct her to one of them. He could even direct her to her age-peers, with whom she lives, who might not be the most emotionally attuned but certainly seem to be the group with whom the Heralds expect her to do most of her emotional bonding.

Or he could--now here's a thought--suggest she spend the rest of the morning with the magical psychic horse who can beam rays of love and devotion directly into her brain.

But he doesn't. It is only after Talia has attended classes on history, geography, mathematics, etiquette, and archery, eaten lunch, read for an hour, and cried in the back of the sewing room, that she finally sees her magic horse. And she does feel a bit better! But by then, her major adrenaline has worn off, and with it the ability to etch memories deeply into her brain; the first hours after her shock were spent ignoring her feelings and being disconnected from people who didn't notice she was in pain, thus reinforcing all her old traumatic impressions.

So the book sets up a recurring number of incidents where Talia's loneliness and isolation is reinforced by the world around her; where no one provides her the necessary scaffolding to help her build bridges with other people and develop the skills to be healthier; and then, as happens throughout the series, when something bad happens to her, she is blamed for being so isolated and repressed. 

When I was 13, I had no framework to understand any of this. On the schoolyard, I'd been taught many of Talia's lessons about the dangers of showing weakness, and in the classroom, about the importance of repressing emotions; I used her as an emotional model. (Later in the books, Talia lbecomes an Empath and Mind-Healer, which hugely impacted my decision to become a therapist.) But then, when her loneliness turned into defencelessness and her lack of emotional control turned into instability, the narrative said it was her fault for not being healthier. And so I thought: Yes. It is completely reasonable to provide a young person with no emotional support at all, and then get mad at them for being fucked up.

And so there's lead in the water.

[classicnovaproductions]

Atomic Blonde (and why I’m a Sapphic who adored it)

Okay, first off…WOW! What a ride that film was! After having a full 24hrs  to really digest this film, I can honestly say that this film really blew my  expectations, in so many different ways. Since there seems to be so much  discourse over this film, I thought I would post a POSITIVE list of all the  reasons why this film is as important and special to me as it is, even with  That Scene. As Lorraine Broughton would say, “ Shall We?”

Okay first off, the obvious…

AESTHETIC MUCH!?

80′s soundtrack with phenomenal remixes.

NEON FOR DAYS!!

Charlize Theron, playing a truly Bad-Ass Bisexual MI6 Agent while still looking sexy as Hell!

The action was some of the best I have ever witnessed!

The general setting of this film, Communist Berlin, gives a remarkable window into just what the Cold War in its later stages entailed. The Cold War was perhaps one of the most deceitful wars in history, and when you figure in just how sensitive the situation was, you realize that Every. Move. Counts.

Lorraine Broughton

She owns my ass.

Again, we have an Openly-Bisexual Female Lead, who’s only main love interest is another woman!

Charlize Theron not only did 98% of all her own stunts, but she sustained injuries because of it.

I loved her characterization, it was one of the highlights of this film. We often forget that movies like this are hardly ever realistic, but in this film the opening scene is of Lorraine, MI6′s Top Agent, wearily trying to attend to her beaten body. She is barely alive, and as the film goes on we see just how much of a toll her physical and emotional well-being takes due to the nature of her job. As the film progresses we see her grow more cold and disconnected to the point where she is practically numb to those around her (her interrogation, mostly).

She wins all her fights, but not without repercussions. Her body takes. A. Beating. And unlike most films her wounds don’t just magically disappear or just “get better”. No, they are there for weeks, in all their ugliness, to display just how vulnerable as a person she is, whilst also reminding those who see her how tough and strong she has to be just to merely survive.

Lorraine and Delphine

Okay, first off…OMG THESE TWO!

Sofia Boutella was adorable as Delphine, and the way her innocence and naive-ness abolutely melted Lorraine was so cute!

The way Lorraine looked at Delphine with such intrigue, and the way Delphine looked at Lorraine with such awe.

The whole “Harold, they’re Lesbians”-like scenario with the dude at the bar (even tho Lorraine is Bi).

Again, we get another glimpse into Lorraine’s characterization here, which is basically she gets distracted by pretty girls we see that, even though Lorraine is still skeptical of Delphine at first, she very easily falls for her, a softness that we up until that point had yet to see in her.

Delphine’s slight hesitance when she gives Lorraine that adorably soft kiss and Lorraine’s shyness in returning it!

The way we see Lorraine follow Delphine into a more private place and being so dazed and transfixed by this tiny French Girl is mesmerizing and makes my heart skip a beat!

OMG their wicked make-out session and the slamming against the wall and the WHOLE SCENE THAT FOLLOWS I COULD NOT BREATH!

“…So you made contact with the French Operative?” “Obviously”

Lorraine in nothing but a sweater looking over Delphine as she sleeps-watching, wondering, worrying about what will happen to her.

THEY GOT TOGETHER MORE THAN ONCE!

AFTER-SEX SNUGGLES!

Honestly, them snuggling was one of the most tender moments in the whole film. For once it feels as though Lorraine is being genuine with Delphine, which she picks up on.

Lorraine stroking Delphine’s hair while Delphine nudges her head in Lorraine’s neck is so precious. The way Lorraine is so gentle with her and laughs and smiles at her makes my heart melt so much! She cares so much for this one woman she just met and it is so beautiful!

Tiny Soft Nose Kisses!

The fact their relationship, no matter how brief, is actually a small subplot means so much because it really feels like this was for us Sapphics, despite what happens later.

That Scene among other things

Oh boy, here we go. In my opinion, I did not see this as partaking in the horrid “Kill Your Gays” trope.

We saw it coming in the trailer you guys, and I was fully prepared for this scenario.

She was a naive, inexperienced spy who got too close to Lorraine, and suffered the ultimate price for it. This happened to all of Lorraine’s lovers (although I honestly think she was just using her first one for information, where as she truly cared for Delphine).

Delphine Fought. Back. Hard! And she did a damn good job at keeping up. But unfortunately she did not have the skill nor the experience to win that battle. She is not Lorraine, who barely came out the mission alive!

This is a spy film about the Cold War, there were going to be many, many casualties. Lorraine (Another Queer) was the only one to make it out alive.

When Lorraine found Delphine, I truly felt for her then. This is the first time we see her fully shut down as she Empathetically mourns her girlfriend (which we hardly get to see in general, the LGBT Hero mourning the death of their lover).

At this point, after all that she has gone through (the beatings, the betrayals, the loss of intelligence, etc) this is the one thing that finally breaks her, and LORRAINE. IS. FUCKING. DONE.

She is done with everything around her, and we see this as she goes from on-the-ground vulnerable to STONE. COLD. NOTHING. And she goes out for blood, and Damn-It does she get it! She shows no mercy for Delphine’s killer, and it is obvious that this is revenge in its most raw form.

In the end this is a story about a spy in the Cold War, and in a genre like this things are going to be very brutal. We see this brutality play out on Lorraine, and how it affects her and all of those involved. She made it out with her life, and that was her reward. 

So Delphine’s death, to me, was the final Plot Point to move us into the final act, as it was portrayed as the one act of Evil that Crossed That Line, and to further the Characterization of Lorraine.

I could go one about the phenomenal action sequences, because I have never witnessed such raw and realistic fighting in an action movie, and to have a Female Bisexual as the lead taking as much as she dishes out was both horrifying yet empowering!

Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if you think this film will seriously trigger you, then by all means please take care of your well-being, because that is ultimately the most important thing.

Was I sad that Delphine died? Yes, of course! Did I see it as strictly because she was gay? No, I did not. Do I see this as good representation? Ultimately, yes because I still felt incredibly valid as a Bisexual in more ways than one with this film, and the last time I felt this good about myself was when I first saw Carol (2015) dir. Todd Haynes in theaters (which nothing will ever top that film).

But for everyone else, please GO SEE THIS FILM. For the one negative we must also see all it’s Astonishing Positives this film has, and for it to get the attention and praise that it has is such a big deal for all of us, because if we show our support for this truly Rare Gem then they will make a sequel, and other films like it! Only then can we move forward!

UPDATE: So I just saw Atomic Blonde today for the second time in one week, and upon my second viewing I’ve come to realize just how much I love this film, and why it beat out my expectations originally! And it mainly falls back to what I discussed earlier, about Lorraine and Delphine’s romance and Lorraine herself, for instance:

Again, I love Lorraine’s characterization! Being more aware of the story my second time-round, I got to focus more on Lorraine herself, and I think I underestimated just how cold and numb and positively DONE she is by the “end” of her mission (again, in reference to her interrogation).

The physical and emotional toll on her and her body really is just as prominent as I remember, and my goodness I cannot recall another film where I actually left the theatre physically exhausted by what I just watched. Everything she’s endured sort of rubs off on you, and if that isn’t the most engrossing experience a character can portray, than I do not know what is.

Delphine and Lorraine, my god I love their relationship! It is the only relationship in the whole film solely built on attraction and Mutual Trust, so much so where they would rather protect each other over their mission.

In fact, going in this movie the first time all I was expecting between them was the “One Night Stand” that was so heavily portrayed in the trailers-which I would of been happy with-and, (just like in the trailers) I prepared myself for Delphine’s demise soon after-But we had an entire subplot dedicated to their relationship, right up to the very end!

Because of this Lorraine’s and Delphine’s romance felt genuine, filled with love and tenderness and worry and drive to protect each other-and that really is beautiful representation.

Which, I believe, is why Lorraine truly shuts down when it all goes south, and why we see the Lorraine we do in her interrogation. SHE IS COLD. SHE IS BEATEN. AND SHE IS TIRED.

In the end, I do think she cared more for Delphine than past lovers, which is why she seems so utterly broken when we first see her. She went back to Delphine even after her superiors threatened to end her, and she lied about Delphine to protect her from them, even though she was gone.

Anyway, as you can see this film really did a number on me, and I am absolutely fine with that! I apologize for making my crazy long post even longer, but there were things I still wanted to get off my chest, because this really is a Dream Film-a Queer, Female Lead 80′s Spy Film actually exists, and I think Atomic Blonde really hit it out of the park-and has ruined all other action films for me here-on out!

[reading-while-queer]

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?, Jeanette Winterson

Rating: Great Read Genre: Nonfiction, Autobiography Representation: -Lesbian narrator-author -Mentally ill narrator-author (unspecified) Note: Contains non-pornographic descriptions of sex and nudity Trigger Warnings: This book may be triggering because of the homophobia (specifically homophobia related to Christian fundamentalism) represented.  The book also contains descriptions of the author’s abuse as a child, from physical violence to neglect to emotional abuse in semi-graphic detail.  Also please be warned this book contains attempted suicide.  I can provide more specific information upon request.

It’s hard to say I “enjoyed” reading this book because it doesn’t provoke feelings of delight or happiness--or anything in the realm of delight or happiness.  Though I wouldn’t say it’s a sad book, either.  There is no tragic ending.  In fact, the ending is hopeful, and Winterson conveys that she is content in her current situation in life.  Yet, because of the content of the book, namely the Christian fundamentalism and child abuse which may ring unpleasantly familiar to many a queer reader, I could not “enjoy” it so much as appreciate it as a well rendered document of Winterson’s life.

Really, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? Is not the story of a lesbian teenager who flees an abusive home and makes a life for herself as a popular author and out lesbian—though that is a part of Winterson’s life and does occur in the chronology.  Rather, the memoir is actually an adoption story.  It is a story about being haunted by the absence of one’s genetic history—feeling like part of the story is missing—and the details of Winterson’s life that prompted her to seek out her biological parents and complete the “story.” Winterson being a lesbian is almost incidental.  Her mother, usually referred to as Mrs. Winterson in the book, was abusive long before she had any knowledge that her child was queer.  Its Winterson’s exploration of Mrs. Winterson’s psychology and its impact on her own—and, really, the concept of “mother”—that is the heart of the book.

I have not yet read Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, Winterson’s claim to fame and the fictionalized pair to this memoir.  But on its own, I believe that this memoir is well worth the read.  When you get through the stomach-wrenching depictions of the various miseries that may occur in a lifetime, you see there is peace on the other side.  Unlike a romance, however, the memoir as Winterson wrote it shows a series of past loves in an unsentimental light and anticipates future tribulations along with future happiness.  Love comes, love goes.  Winterson can remember the feelings she felt, but time passes, love ends, and new love arrives from unexpected places.

What I really liked about the memoir, though, was the sense of time.  Winterson does wonderful work portraying the Accrington of her childhood, and how the city has changed forever.  The memoir really made me sentimental for the city that Winterson knew, secluded from the rest of England and left to its own devices until the 1980s. I found myself nostalgic for the Accrington library, with its section “Literature A-Z,” which was a second home to Winterson and her foundation as a writer.  I was riveted by knowledge that I had simply never had about the north of England before: the “nori” bricks so called because someone had once applied the brand spelling “iron” backwards; the dog biscuit factory which was the only recourse for poor children in the area who didn’t have money for food; the illegal shops where Mrs. Winterson bought her cigarettes.  Winterson’s attention to detail makes the memoir vibrant and fascinating to read even while the subject matter is often dark.

Much like when I was reading Fun Home, I found Winterson’s life story from the sixties to the present to be a comfort to me.  I always enjoy stories about queer adults and their often very different experiences and different means of labeling themselves.  Anyone feeling alone in the world might enjoy the gentle reminder that it’s hard, but we aren’t the only ones.  Those older and wiser than us have made something happy and pleasant out of their lives, and we can too.

I strongly encourage anyone to read this book, though I must warn again that readers should be careful of their own needs and take frequent breaks if the material causes you distress.

For more from Jeanette Winterson, here is her website.